Well, I have and if I am honest with myself today, at this moment I am in this moment now. I’m in another part of my healing process and asking many questions.
As a survivor of abuse, it’s constant and it is a process. One that we never know how or when we will go through it. You may start at one point, but believe me, you’ll start many more points. Each starting point is different because the wounds are different. But each starting point connects itself to the other and eventually becomes whole.
The process of healing is different for all, but the same for many. It is different in ways of how one may handle it, process it, start and end it. But it is the same for those who truly go through each step and just allow the process to take its own form and not try and control it. This is me, as I never know how, when, or where. Being a very emotionally passionate person, the slightest word, song, picture or site can send my mind wondering. And sometimes it’s in those moments, I realize I’m being taken to a space which, I sometimes try to suppress.
These last few days, I have just been letting it be, is it the right time in my life, no. But when is the right time for healing? When do you say is the “perfect” time to FEEL!! Which, feeling anything for a long time, has been hard for me because I often feel I don’t deserve to feel a thing, which is part of being abused. You are taught, that nothing you say or do matters, and you begin to hold this as “your truth”. But it is not your truth, IT IS THEIRS!!
As these last days have been one that has taken me to heights I’ve never known to be possible; I am grateful to be going through it. I am grateful that it’s happening because it is part of my journey. Even though “I thought”, I had done it all, that I was healed. But this is why the Lord tells us to lean not on our own understanding of things because our thoughts are not like His thoughts nor are Our ways like His.
Simply means, to turn to Him in everything we do, because without Him things won’t be clear. We can get lost trying it our way, instead of His way. So, trusting Him in all we do, helps us learn and see things from a different perspective and in a different light. As He is the Light of the World, our guide in life, all that we need to go through things, such as this.
So, the reality, “my reality”, is I haven’t finished healing until I am totally free in my mind, my body, my heart, and especially my soul. I am not free until I can look in the mirror and see myself whole, and not see every flaw I was told I had. When I can see me, the me that God created and not the one that man tried to destroy. When I can look in that mirror and see Love and not Hate. When I can see Beauty and not a Beast, when I can feel and truly love the person I am looking at, I am not healed.
You haven’t healed until you can think of the abuser, and not feel the pain you felt when you were in it. You haven’t healed, if you haven’t forgiven. You haven’t healed if you can’t speak of “EVERYTHING” when you need to. Some things can be so painful, so graphic, so much.
As I am in the process of grieving, yes I say grieving as the Lord has given it to me, because that is what it is. You are grieving the losses you experienced during that time. You are grieving a life that is dying off, all the emotions that you went through, and whatever parts of you that were lost. You grieve these things because so many of them have been a part of you since the beginning and others came during, and even after.
I am grieving the loss of myself in this season, I am grieving the loss of who I was, because I am in the process of finding who I am. I am in the process of finding God’s Truth as I am My Truth, because I myself, never knew it, and for some, it may have been lost along the way. Whichever is part of your story, it all boils down to the same thing…
FINDING TRUTH- FINDING YOU!!
As I have been walking in this journey “fully” now since February 2022, and wondering down some paths, that have been so bright, I also have walked down the path of darkness. Not in that way, but one that causes me to grieve, as there was and is no light on that road. There is no brightness or joy, but I continue to walk in it because as I am on this journey, God is with me. As I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I do not fear. I do not fear the unknown nor any evil attempts, because wherever I am-God is.
Where I go, He goes, as He leads the way to “perfect peace”!! As He leads me through a process, I could never go through by myself, I hold on. I hold on to His unchanging love and His unchanging Word. I hold on to His hand that brings me comfort and warmth, one that soothes my sorrow as He extracts the truth. One that holds me up when I am weak and catches me when I am falling. See, many ask the Lord to search their hearts and reveal all to them. But they ask this not truly knowing what they are saying, as I remember reading when I begin my journey with the Lord. “Be prepared for what you are asking to be revealed because it won’t be pretty nor will it be easy.”
And as I sit this morning writing you, THAT IS SO TRUE, NONE OF THIS HAS BEEN EASY, but My God it has been so WORTH IT. When you can look past the ugly parts, the parts of your grieving that make you do the ugly cry way too often. You can see How Worth it- it is. You can see and feel the freedom it brings. As your mind begins to heal, your heart begins to feel, as you see the love of God surround you.
You begin to know, it is all worth it, that every painful event brings a joyful peace. That the cries in the midnight hours bring smiles when the sun rises in the morning. When you go through the process of healing, you go through every inch of your life, with a fine tooth comb. You combing out every nap and going over every strand. But you do it, knowing that the end result will be BEAUTIFUL.
You do it because you know that you don’t have to do it alone and you know that even though the process has and will be hard-ITS WORTH IT.
As I go through this season of my healing process, I am telling those who are beginning or going through it. To hold on to the Love of God, as He is with you, and to hold on to every Word He has breathed. If you have a support system, use them, by praying with them or having them pray for you. Talk with them, lean on them as much as they allow. If you are walking in this process without earthly support, as I am at this moment, know that I am praying for you and praying with you. Know that somewhere far and near, I am walking the long road with you, and as I am walking on my path, my thoughts and prayers-my love is walking on yours with you.
That every tear that I have to cry and as I pray in those tears, I’ll be saying a prayer for your tears. Just know, that you truly are not as alone as it seems, someone somewhere is thinking of you and Loves and Cares about you.
So my dear friends, as I end this right now, just know as the Lord grants me each day and each word, I’LL BE BACK!!
And I will leave you with a prayer, that I hope soothes your heart and ease your mind. That, I hope, if you don’t know the Lord, that it leads you to seek His face, His Word, and His Love. Because as I am telling you myself, HE IS SO WORTH FINDING. And if you know Him, lean on Him as hard as you can and as much as you need to because HE IS ALWAYS THERE WILLING AND WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL HIS NAME.
Our dear Heavenly Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done in earth, as it is in Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us, not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the Kingdom, and The Power, and The Glory, for ever.
I ask that, as we journey through this life, and await for Eternal Life. We ask that in every ache we may feel, with every burden we have, that You deliver us from them. That you walk with us and show us thy way, the way to Your comforting hands, Your kind words, Your unconditioned love.
That in every moment we breathe, here on earth, you keep us. You keep us in sound mind, with a faithful heart, and loving soul. That You, my Lord help us keep our eyes on you, and show us Your ways as You deliver us from our ways, as we aim to walk as Jesus did here on earth.
That, You walk with those who have suffered from abuse or any mistreatment. Healing them so they become whole. Showing them Your Love and Grace, as You so graciously have shown me. I ask that in their weakest moments, you bring them strength, and in their strongest moments, you bring them continued encouragement. As we begin and continue this day, Lord be with us and cover us with the Blood of Jesus. Protecting each of us from all harm and every attack wherever we may be.
Journaling To My Truth
❤ Stay Safe-Stay Encouraged-Stay Blessed ❤