As I sit early this morning, a little weary and my heart is heavy as so many around me are troubled with different areas in “their season”. As I listen to the Canton Spirituals, “Depending on You”, he is talking about his father’s last hours on this earth. And as his father is telling him, how he wants things to be once the Good Lord calls him home. His last request to him, is “I’m Depending on You to pull the family through”.
And as I heard these words, I remembered my last conversation with my mom, and as she began to cry and said, “Baby I’m getting tired”- “I’m just so tired”. And I remember answering her and saying, “Momma, if you are tired, we understand” (me, my four sisters, the family). I remember saying these words, then I remember the next day, my sister left me a message in the wee hours of the morning, saying “call me”. As I clicked off the voice mail, I sat on the side of the bed, as I knew what she had to tell me-I knew she was going say, my momma was gone. As I gathered my thoughts, and said a prayer, I returned her call and yep, that was exactly what she wanted. She was like momma in a comma and it doesn’t look good, you wanna talk with her, I said, yes can you please put the phone to her ear. And as I gathered my thoughts again, “I said, momma, I love you and I’ll be alright, we gonna be alright-you don’t have to worry.”
I said these words, because I recalled our conversation, all of our conversations before that as well, and I knew she was tired. She was used to traveling and doing and taking care of everyone else but never felt right- when it was time for us to take care of her. Up to the day she left, she took care of us, did she do all things right, no, but she did it to the best of her knowledge. And I said these words, as I know, she worried about all of us, her kids and grand, her family. But I worried about her. I remember one day, I was low in spirits, and she said “I’m sorry, I depended on you and never felt I had to worry about you that much, because you were the “strong one”. And as I sit here today and think about my life, I know she did, as I did what I felt was right and tried never to complain. I did what was expected of me, and never thought of the damage it was doing to me. Not that my mother or father, intentionally did anything to harm me, but just like most families with two working parents, someone had to handle things at home. With both of my older sisters in and out, it landed on me. And at a young age, “I was depended on”, in my mind, it was what I had to do, dad worked 16 hours a day for 5 days a week. Mom worked 8 hours a day and sometimes overtime, so “they depended on me”.
Now, my children and grands, depend on me, and as I sit and listen to this song, heavy in heart because I have just gotten the news that my god-brother has passed. One of my sisters and I were on the phone to the wee hours of the morning, because she was somewhat troubled, and we prayed and encouraged each other, the night before. As I thought about my dad, who we unfortunately had to seek long-term care because he has battled cancer for 6 years and this year was diagnosed with Dementia. He was having hallucinations with it and needs 24-hour care. Then early today, a friend, I learned had received notice that they were eliminating their position of work. Which was part of their income and added to taking care of their family. Earlier this month, my oldest daughter had some issues with her home, and as I thought of all this, Lord my heart began to get heavier and heavier.
So as I normally do, I turned on my music, put my headphones on, and went to the one that “I DEPEND ON”. I went to Jesus because I learned through this journey, that the one I depended on most is our Lord and Savior. I depend on God to handle all my issues, even when it seems like there is no way out, no solution to so many trying problems, no way to move a mountain or get out of the valley- I LEARNED TO LEAN ON JESUS.
I learned that no matter what obstacles the devil sends my way, I keep my focus on Christ, get in a praying position, and lean all my weight on God. In Jesus’s name, I talk with my Heavenly Father, and as I pray the Holy Spirit takes over and reminds me that these battles are not ours. That God says lay your burdens on the altar. I remember that it’s through His Grace and Mercy-through His Love for us, that we can lean all of our weight on Him. And many may say, much of this is not my problem, but I say they are, as God said we should love our neighbor as He has loved us. I am the type that, if I can help-then I am, and many times, it is through prayer. As I know that prayer works, and as my family is this world through the Blood of Christ, whether I know them directly or indirectly-they are yet my family. And as a Child of God, a Christian, I treat all as God has intended us to do.
If we see family going through something we pray and lend a hand, the same as if we see a friend or a stranger, we should also lend a hand. Not everything is about money or materialistic things, but the gift of prayer is the best help you can give anyone. You are asking God to take care of those you love as He has taken care of you. I pray regardless if I can offer any other help, as I did tonight, because much of what those close to me are going through, has no simple solutions. As we can’t do most things, BUT GOD CAN DO ALL THINGS!! This is why “I DEPEND ON JESUS“!!
~Stay Safe-Stay Encouraged-Stay Blessed~
Journaling To My Truth