“My Testimony” PT. 1
Today, I want to share a little of my testimony of overcoming abuse. And how God help me in one of the darkest times of my life. I am sharing this, in hope to bring awareness to Abuse in all forms. I experienced abuse in many forms in my life, physical, mental and emotional, and even sexual abuse. And as I have come a mighty long way in this fight, I’m still going through periods of healing, as many know, healing is a process.
So, I pray that my testimony of how I overcame helps the next one overcome, and theirs help another and theirs another, and so on. If the Lord allows it to reach across the world, I’ve done my job.
My Story ♥
I was married for 8 years and with him for 10, but it was 2 years into my marriage before the abuse started. It was a slow progression, but eventually it became all-consuming. My husband was a narcissist, ex-gang member (which I didn’t know at the time), and miserable. He came from a troubled past, and he had experienced abuse in his own household as a child. And no, I am not making excuses, just showing how a lot of abusive men and women have experienced abuse in some form or another in their past.
Which often leads to them as an abuser or the victim of abuse, when they don’t seek help, such as counseling. He had so much anger, that he often walked around with a fixed frown. He never really smiled and always acted as if he hated me-women. He blamed me for every woman in his life, that had done him wrong. Every hit wasn’t just for me, it was for them too. Every time he lifted a hand at me, I knew he wanted so bad to kill me,
BUT GOD didn’t let him.
Every battle became worser, and one day, I knew if I didn’t get out, I was going to end up dead. As he poisoned my mind, he also tried poisoning my body, and I became sick and ended up unable to walk. I was slowly slipping into death, as I remember a period of months, being unable to eat. I had 3 young ones at the time, my battle was no longer about my survival, but theirs.
No one could tell me what was wrong with me then, So, I kept pushing and kept PRAYING. As I forced a spoon full of water and a spoon full of broth daily, to survive. I became angry enough to walk, when one day my baby girl was crying, and I asked her dad to bring her to me. He looked at me with hate in his eyes and said get her yourself and laughed. From that day, I was determined I would walk again.
I lived every day, thinking it was my last day. His anger, satan’s anger grew, and the intensity to kill me did too.
BUT GOD, didn’t let him…
I battled this battle of misery for years, with 3 kids that I held onto for their dear life, but never thought of my own. I walked throughout the days, blinded with pain, wounded with scars and feeling defeated. I never knew how or when, but I knew I had to get out. I didn’t know at the time, that God had me protected, because all I knew was pain and sorrow. All I could feel or see was fear. A fear that was so real, that if I could cut it with a knife, and all the people it held in the depths of its belly would fall out.
At first, the abuse was emotional. And over time, the abuse escalated to physical violence. He would hit me, push me, and choke me, rape me, and so much more. He would never hit me in places where the bruises would show, so that no one would know what was happening. He would put me down and make me feel worthless. He would control who I could see and talk to. He would isolate me from my friends and family. I was young, depressed, and lost, I didn’t have a clue what I had walked into.
See satan comes disguised in any way, shape, or form, whichever way he feels he needs to. So that he can deceive you, trick you, abuse you. I always tell my children, that he not coming looking like an enemy, but a friend. And it is often someone that has gotten close enough to you, that you “trust” them. As many describes him, as “the wolf wearing sheep clothing”, a wolf dressed as the adorable fluffy white sheep. As Paul stated in 2 Corinthians 11:14…
“For satan himself is transformed into an angel of light”
However, what I didn’t know was the Lord had a plan for my life, as many say, “a calling on my life”. I didn’t know that at the time, but satan did (hence his attack against my life)!! Just as Jesus explained, when talking about the “The Good Shepard and His Sheep”, and how His plan for us is LIFE–ETERNAL LIFE. And the plan of the enemy, as Scripture tells us in…
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy-
I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.
When we walk alone in this world, without the Wisdom of God…
Proverbs 2:6 & 8
“For the Lord gives wisdom, from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
“for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of His faithful ones”
you can easily slip into the hands of satan, without even knowing it… Exactly how I ended up married to his worker and not God’s!! (get to know Him and it’ll all make sense)
If I knew then, what I know now….
I was trapped in a cycle of fear and abuse. I was afraid to leave him because I didn’t know where I would go. He had a mental hold on me, and I was afraid of what he would do to me if I left. As he often told me, if I took the kids, he would hunt me down and kill me and then them. At that time, blinded, “I believed he would“; as I always felt that he had nothing to lose or nothing to live for. He was driven by the tasks of satan, and one of those tasks was me. (another post-another time)
Again-Only if I knew then, what I know now….
And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul,
but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
I realized that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I went through the days depressed, I had to get out. I was weak and tired of fighting, and even thought of taking my own life.
BUT GOD… didn’t let me….
Ladies and Gents/Brothers and Sisters, I’ll end it here, please return so you won’t miss out on part two!!
Part Two (2) of Overcoming Abuse: “The Solution”
Will post tomorrow on November 1st, 2023 @6a.m.
God Bless and Protect all ❣
~Stay Safe-Stay Encouraged-Stay Blessed~
Journaling To My Truth